We've all been there. 

Moving, shaking, getting stuff done at an industry event. 

Hitting up investors for contact details and meetings. Meeting fund managers who can potentially add value to an investment portfolio. Looking for new business prospects among investors and managers. 

And then it happens. Knowingly or not, we commit one of the Seven Deadly Sins of Conference Attendance. 

Duh duh DUUUUHHHH!

There is perhaps no better way to curtail your most earnest conference efforts than to commit one of the following breaches of event etiquette:

The First Deadly Sin: Chasing Investors Like It's A Zombie Apocalypse

(c) Resident Evil

(c) Resident Evil

We all know the shark-to-seal ratio at most investment industry events isn't exactly even. As a result, the investors in the room tend to get a lot of attention. You can see them at cocktail parties, during coffee breaks, or just walking across a room with a trail of hungry investment managers and investor relations folks in their wake. Once, at a GAIM conference in Monaco, they gave out actual proximity detectors to participants. It was like watching the movie Aliens, with investors playing the role of Ripley.

I know every manager that spends money on a conference is hoping to get maximum time with investors, but please, slow your zombie roll. Don't mob investors, and try to keep your interactions to a bare minimum to keep the flow going. You're not going to sell anyone on your fund over a granola bar in a hotel hallway. Keep it simple. Your name. "I'd like to introduce you to my very interesting fund when you have a moment - can I get your card?" Move On. And if an investor is obviously trying to get somewhere (to the coffee, to the can, to a meeting) give them a little breathing room. They'll actually think better of you for it.

The Second Deadly Sin: Hiding From Managers

(c) Mean Girls

(c) Mean Girls

Probably as a result of the first deadly sin, some investors have taken to disappearing during networking opportunities (breaks, cocktails and lunches), in the hopes of grabbing a little peace and quiet and piece of mind. As tempting as this may be, it can be beneficial to resist the desire to escape the maddening crowd. I'm assuming that investors go to conferences to find great investing opportunities. Eating lunch in a bathroom stall (ok, your hotel room) probably isn't the best way to find them. 

The Third Deadly Sin: Cutting In Line

(c) Family Guy

(c) Family Guy

A panel of investors has just finished up. You really want to talk to one (or more) of the presenters. A line of eager fund managers and conference participants has formed as the panel exits the podium. You wait patiently while they smile, shake hands and give cards to those in front of you. Then, out of nowhere, someone comes up, jumps the line and starts chatting up the investor. Worse yet, the next session starts and everyone has to move to retake their seats, leaving dreams of making contact with those investors unfulfilled. NOOOOOOO! So you. Yes you line-jumping fund manager (or marketer). Don't. The investor knows you did it (even if they can't always stop you). The managers who were patiently waiting know you did it (and are silently fuming). And you just look kind of like a tool. Just say no to line jumping. 

The Fourth Deadly Sin: The Nameless Text

(c) Tropic Thunder

(c) Tropic Thunder

You managed to score an investor's card at a cocktail party, lunch or during a break. "What the hell," you think. "I'll send them a text to see if they have time to meet for breakfast or coffee in the morning." So you send a text: "Great meeting you last night. Grab a bite tomorrow am?" The only problem? The investor has NO FREAKING IDEA who you are. For all they know, this message could be a misdial from someone else's beer-goggled evening.

It's never a great idea to text investors anyway, unless you have an imminent meeting or they've given you express permission, but texting without identifying yourself and assuming that the investor will remember you out of throngs of fund managers is just silly. Include your name and the fund name. Or better yet, send an email. 

The Fifth Deadly Sin: The Drive By

(c) The Dukes of Hazzard

(c) The Dukes of Hazzard

Similar to the hiding from managers, the drive by occurs when investors, usually those scheduled to speak, attend an event only for their session. Fund managers, lured to pay event fees in part by the hugely cool and monied speaking faculty, get gypped out of their hard-earned dollars and investors get cheated out of finding good investment ideas for their portfolio. A true lose-lose.  

The Sixth Deadly Sin: The Close Talker/Cornering Folks

(c) Seinfeld

(c) Seinfeld

Conferences are crowded. Conferences are loud. Investors are scarce. One-on-one time is at a premium. That's still no excuse from getting all up in someone's personal space. I have literally been backed into a corner at an event before and, let me tell you, I was not amused. I also once attended a conference after just getting Invisalign. I wasn't entirely used to the Invisalign trays yet, and had just hurriedly scarfed a mint when I was corralled by a fund marketer. Before I knew it, the mint flew out of my mouth and landed on the marketer's arm. I tried to be cool - I picked the mint off of him, said "um, I think this may be mine," and slunk off. But seriously, if you're so close that an Arthur Bell promotional mini-mint with lisp velocity and zero aerodynamics can hit you with enough force to stick to your skin, you are too damn close. An arm's length for distance is a good rule of thumb here. 

The Seventh Deadly Sin: No Business Cards

(c) American Psycho

(c) American Psycho

This one can be a bit tricky as both investors and fund managers are at times guilty. Generally speaking, investors eschew business cards to avoid a post-conference email zombie apocalypse, while fund managers and marketers either don't bring them to (Machiavellian interpretation) force investors into giving their cards up, or because (poor planning interpretation) they underestimate how many cards they will need. 

Dear All: Conferences are networking events at heart. Bring cards and enough of them. That is all.

So there you have it.

Before you hit up your next Hedge Fund, Private Equity, Venture Capital, Institutional Investor or other industry event, make sure you are up-to-date on conference etiquette, or risk being judged in attendee purgatory.  

Posted
AuthorMeredith Jones

I love this time of year. The airport delays. The wonky weather. The smell of burning dust in the heating vents. Snow panic that empties grocery store shelves of white bread and whole milk, even if the temperature is stubbornly in the 40s.

Oh, and the look of shiny hope on the faces of fund managers everywhere. 

Ahhhh.....

But before conference season road trips get too far underway, it's probably a good idea to think about where managers are spending their (finite) fund raising resources and where they could ease up on the gas. 

(c) MJ Alts

(c) MJ Alts

As we commence another year of the great capital raising dance, I thought it would be fun to channel all of the back and forth, yes and no, hide and seek frustration into a little game. One that harkens back to a happier and simpler time, and one that anyone who has ever been under 12 or over 60 is familiar with.

So yes, ladies and gentlemen, this year we're gonna play a little Capital Raising BINGO. Simply print out the appropriate investor or fund manager card below and mark off (and date) each time you get a designated response.

The first investor who gets a BINGO can draft me as a single-use meat shield at an event.

The first fund manager who gets a BINGO will also get a prize, custom tailored to the fund in question. 

Happy capital hunting! And may the BINGO odds be ever in your favor!

(c) 2017 MJ Alts

(c) 2017 MJ Alts

(C) 2017 MJ Alts

(C) 2017 MJ Alts

Even if the songs tell us it's the most wonderful time of the year, when bells will be ringing and children are singing, for many emerging fund managers, the holidays may simply be the end of another  difficult year of fundraising. To help you navigate any holiday season depression and just maybe put things in perspective a bit, I've put together a guide to managing the 5 Stages of Emerging Manager Grief. I hope it (combined with a lovely hot buttered rum) eases you through the holiday season. 

(C) 2016 MJ Alts

(C) 2016 MJ Alts

It’s that time of year again. The leaves are turning pretty colors. Kids are back in school. There is a real possibility of leaving my air-conditioned Nashville home without my glasses fogging upon hitting the practically solid wall of outdoor heat and humidity. And like any good Libra lass, I’m celebrating a birthday.

That’s right, it’s time for my annual orgy of champagne, mid-life crisis, chocolate frosting and introspection. Oh, and it’s time to check the batteries on the smoke detectors – best to make sure those suckers are good and dead before I light this many candles.

One of the things I’ve noticed in particular about this year’s “I’m old AF-palooza” is how much time I spend thinking about sleep. On any given day (and night), I’m likely to be contemplating the following questions:

  1. Why can’t I fall asleep?
  2. Why the hell am I awake at this hour?
  3. How much longer can I sleep before my alarm goes off?
  4. Why did I resist all those naps as a kid?

I even bought a nifty little device to track and rate my sleep (oh, the joy’s of being quantitatively oriented!). Every night, this glowy orb tracks how long I sleep, when I wake, how long I spend in deep sleep, air quality in my bedroom, humidity levels (in the South – HA!), noise and movement. 

To sleep, no chance to dream

To sleep, no chance to dream

Yes, I’ve learned a lot about my nocturnal habits from my sleep tracker – for example, I move around 17% less than the average user of the sleep tracking system, I’m guessing due to having two giant Siamese cats pinning me down - but the one thing I didn’t need it to tell me was that I SUCK at sleep.

I’m not sure when I went from “I can sleep 12 hours straight and easily snooze through lunch” to “If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW I can still sleep 3 hours before my flight….RIGHT NOW and I can still get 2.75 hours…1.5 hours….” but it definitely happened.

I don’t drink caffeine. I exercise. I bought a new age aromatherapy diffuser and something helpfully called “Serenity Now” to put into it. I got an air purifier, a new mattress and great sheets.

But no matter what I try, I am a terrible sleeper.

I’ve concluded that it must have something to do with stress. I do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about life, the universe and everything, so perhaps that’s my problem.

So in honor of my 46th year on the planet, I decided to compile a list of the top 46-investment related things I worry about at night. They do say admitting the problem is the first step in solving it, after all.

In no particular order:

  1. $2 trillion increase in index-tracking US based funds, which leads me to…
  2. All beta-driven portfolios
  3. Short-term investment memory loss (we DID just have a 10 year index loss and it only ended in 2009…)
  4. “Smart” beta
  5.  Mo’ Robo – the proliferation (and the dispersion of results) of robo-advisors
  6. Standard deviation as a measure of risk
  7. Mandatory compliance training - don’t I know not to take money from Iran and North Korea by now?
  8. Spurious correlations and/or bad data
  9. Whether my mom’s pension will remain solvent or whether I have a new roommate in my future
  10. Politicizing investment decisions
  11. Did I really just Tweet, Blog or say that at a conference?
  12. Focusing on fees and not value
  13. Robo-advisors + self-driving cars equals Skynet?
  14. Going through compliance courses too quickly & having to do them over again
  15. Short-term investment focus
  16. Will I ever have to wait in line for the women’s bathroom at an investment event? Ever?
  17. Average performance as a proxy for actual performance versus an understanding of opportunity and dispersion of returns
  18. The slow starvation of emerging managers
  19. Is my industry really as evil/greedy/stupid as it’s portrayed
  20. Factor based investing – I’m reasonably smart – why don’t I get this?
  21. Dwindling supply of short-sellers
  22. Government regulatory requirements, institutional investment requirements and the barriers to new fund formation
  23. “Chex Offenders” – financial advisors and investment managers who rip off old people (and, weirdly, athletes)
  24. The vegetarian option at conference luncheons – WHAT IS THAT THING?
  25. Seriously, does anyone actually read a 57-page RFP?
  26. Boxes...check, style, due diligence...
  27. Tell me again about how hedge fund fees are 2 & 20…
  28. The markets on November 9th
  29. The oak-y aftertaste of conference cocktail party bad chardonnay
  30. Drawdowns – long ones mostly, but unexpected ones, too
  31. Dry powder and oversubscribed funds
  32. Getting everyone on the same page when it comes to ESG investing or, hell, even just the definition
  33. Forward looking private equity returns (see also: Will my mom’s pension remain solvent)
  34. Will my investment savvy and sarcasm one day be replaced by a robot (see also: Mo’ Robo)
  35. After the election, will my future investment jobs be determined by my membership in a post-apocalyptic faction chosen by my blood type?
  36. How many calories are in accountant-provided, conference giveaway tinned mints? (See also: conference chardonnay)
  37. Why are financial advisors who focus on asset gathering more successful than ones that focus on investment management? #Assbackward
  38. Dunning Krueger, the Endowment Effect and a whole host of ways we screw ourselves in investment decision making
  39. Why divestment is almost always a bad idea
  40. Active investment managers – bless their hearts – they probably aren’t sleeping any better than I am right now
  41. Clone, enhanced index and replication funds – why can’t we just K.I.S.S.
  42. The use of PowerPoint should be outlawed in investment presentations. Like seriously, against the actual law - a taser-able offense.
  43. Will emerging markets ever emerge?
  44. Investment industry diversity – why is it taking so looonnnnggg?
  45. Real estate bubbles – e.g. - what happens to Nashville’s market when our hipness wears off? And is there a finite supply of skinny-jean wearing microbrew aficionados who want to open artisan mayonnaise stores that could slow demand? Note to self, ask someone in Brooklyn….
  46. Did anyone even notice that hedge funds have posted gains for seven straight months?

Yep, looking at this list it’s little wonder that sleep eludes me. If anyone can help alleviate my “invest-istential” angst, I’m all ears. In the meantime, feel free to suggest essential oils, soothing teas and other avenues for getting some shuteye.

 

Sources and Bonus Reading: 

Asset flows to ETFs: https://www.ft.com/content/de606d3e-897b-11e6-8cb7-e7ada1d123b1

Recent HF Performance (buried) http://www.valuewalk.com/2016/10/hedge-fund-assets-flows/

HF Replication: http://abovethelaw.com/2016/10/low-cost-hedge-fund-replication-may-threaten-securities-lawyers/

Average HF Fees: http://www.opalesque.com/661691/Global_hedge_funds_slicing_fees_to_draw_investors169.html

Political Agendas & Investing: http://www.njspotlight.com/stories/16/10/03/murphy-adds-plank-to-platform-no-hedge-funds-in-pension-and-benefits-system/

Asset Gathering vs. Investment Mgmt: http://wealthmanagement.com/blog/client-focused-fas-more-profitable-investment-managers

World's Largest PE Fund: http://fortune.com/2016/10/15/private-equity-worlds-largest-softbank/  

Spurious Correlations: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-10-14/hedge-fund-woes-after-u-s-crackdown-don-t-surprise-sec-s-chair

Short-Term Thinking - 5 Months Does Not Track Record Make: http://www.cnbc.com/2016/10/14/venture-capitalist-chamath-palihapitiyas-hedge-fund-is-outperforming-market.html

 

My ex and I parted ways about a year ago. After taking some time to eat some ice cream, clean out my closets and get my personal feng shui back in order, I decided recently it was time to re-enter the dating scene.

Unfortunately, as someone who A) works from home and B) travels extensively, I realized that meeting men who weren’t delivering FedEx packages or patting me down in the airport was going to be a bit challenging. So I bit the bullet and did the online dating thing.

Color me PTSD’ed. 

My first day at the online ‘all-you-can-date’ buffet saw me literally innundated with emails. “Hey!” I thought. “I must still have it!.”

But then I started to actually open those emails and realized that nearly all of the men who had emailed me could be categorized into one of three buckets:

  1. Men holding things they had killed;
  2. Men my dad’s age and older; and
  3. Curiously, Civil War re-enactors (As an aside, do folks not realize the South actually lost the Civil War? I mean, isn’t that kind of like re-enacting the Titanic sinking over and over again? Big fanfare. Long denouement. Everyone dies. But I digress…)

Ho-lee-shit.

My mind started racing.

“Well, if this is the best that’s out there for me these days, I’m going to be single forever,” I thought.

“Do you suppose they have nunneries for spiritual, not religious, former Presbyterians-quarter Jews whose favorite form of cardio is shopping and who want to endow the cloister not only with their worldly ‘dowry’ but with vast amounts of high quality hair gel???” I wondered.

Seriously. My dating life was over. Kaput. I was hopeless. Driven to salted caramel ice cream, red velvet cake, NeimanMarcus.com and re-runs of the BBC's Pride and Predjudice in an instant.

And then I realized something.

I had fallen for literally one of the oldest tricks in the mind’s playbook. Instead of considering the known unknowns (i.e. – the thousands of men online and in the physical world from whom I hadn’t received disturbing, Santa Clause-esque pictures), I had taken the known knowns and concluded that I would eventually die alone and be eaten by my cats. And don’t even get me started on the unknown unkowns in this scenario. I mean, Bridget Jones-type endings don’t just happen in the movies, right?

Daniel Kahenman explained this information processing phenomenon in his book Thinking Fast And Slow as “what you see is all there is (WYSIATI),” and I was a classic victim.

But it was somewhat comforting to me to remember that I’m not the only one that falls for this little mind game. The investment industry does it all the darn time. In fact, it’s one of the things that makes me the kinda tired about the work I do.

Don’t believe me? Think about the following areas:

Hedge Fund Returns: A classic example of WYSIATI, we all know that hedge fund returns have been positively tragic for years, right? I mean, we see the HFRI Asset Weighted Index is down -0.21% through July and that obviously means that all funds have struggled to post any kind of decent returns. Well, hold on there a minute, Sparky. What if I told you that looking at that one number was giving you a bad case of the known knowns? What about all of the other funds in the HFR database? I guess they’re underperforming, too? Nope. Even if you look at other index categories you can see instances of strong outperformance: Credit Arb – up 5.17%, Distressed – up 6.20%, Equity Hedge Energy – up 10.73%, and those are all averages. Or what about the small funds I'm always pushing on y'all? They are up 4.1% for the year to date, according to industry watcher Preqin, compared with a somewhat anemic gain of 0.54% for the "billion dollar club." In fact, these numbers are the known unknowns – the numbers we could consider, but we don’t because there’s a nice, neat single little index number for us to rely on. And then you’ve got the unknown unknowns – the funds that DON’T report to HFR and aren’t accounted for in their index. I know of funds that are up 10%, 15% even 20%+ for the year. In a universe of 10,000 funds, drawing conclusions from one bit of known known data just doesn’t cut it.

Diversity: In April 2015, Marc Andreessen famously said in an interview that “he has tried to hire an unnamed woman general partner to Andreessen Horowitz five times. Each time, she’s turned him down.” See? Even a luminary in the venture capital world can get sucked into WYSIATI. Because the “unnamed woman” was likely one of the few females Andreessen associates with in the industry, she constitutes his entire universe. She is his known known. And if you think there aren’t great women and minority candidates, funds or investment opportunities out there, the problem is likely with you. Cultivating different networks, rewriting job descriptions to attract different applicants, working with recruiters who specialize in diversity, hell, even just being more intentional about hiring and investing can reveal a wealth of candidates that can help bring cognitive and behavioral alpha to your firm.

Fund Fees: Hedge fund fees are 2 and 20. 2 and 20. 2 and 20. I hear (and read) this so much I want to vomit. Do some funds charge 2 and 20? Sure. Do some funds (read: most funds) charge less, if not in headline fees, in actual fees? Hell yes! The average fees for a hedge fund these days is about 1.55% and 18% and declining. For new fund launches, fees were remarkably stable for years, never approaching the 2 and 20 milestone on average. And what’s more, roughly 68% of funds in a Seward & Kissel study offered reduced fees for longer lock ups, while 82% of equity funds and 29% of non-equity funds offered reduced-fee founders share classes. And what about hurdle rates? An investor recently swore to me that “no hedge funds have hurdle rates.” Well, that’s just bupkis. A show of other investor hands in the room immediately dispelled that myth, proving that, while not the majority of funds, some funds do have benchmarks to beat before they take their incentive allocation. What that one investor saw was not all there was.

Indices: Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Obviously, the entire investment industry is trending towards passive investments. You can’t swing a dead pouty fish without hitting an article touting the death or underperformance of active investment management. And for people who have only been investing over the last 10 years or so, it probably looks like the S&P 500 is a sure bet. Always goes up, right? Well, wrong. While it’s certainly true that the S&P does tend to go up over time, you can never be sure what the time frame will be, and whether you’ll have time to recover from any unexpected downturn. But the bull market we’ve seen since March 9, 2009 isn’t all there is. Actually, if you recall, at that point in time, the S&P 500 had just experienced a 10-year losing streak. Ouch. Don't believe me? Ask any Gen X'er like me how much Reality Bites when the first 10 years of your 401k saving is wiped out by a tech wreck. Sorry, Millennials, but you haven't cornered the market on false financial starts quite yet. 

Investment Opportunities/Herding: Private equity and venture capital dry powder with nowhere to go. Hedge funds all own the same stocks. Crowded trades. High valuations. What investor could possibly make money in this environment? Once again, 13-Fs, Uber and Apple aren’t all there is. Even though we tend to fixate on the visible data, there are a number of niche-y, networked, regional, club-deal and other funds out there getting it done. Even big firms with the right resouces can pound the pavement, do the research or build the quantitative system that generates returns. Don’t believe me? Read the article (link below) on Apollo, who did more deals in the first part of this year than their three largest competitiors put to work in the same period. Just because the managers you’ve seen thus far haven’t done it, doesn’t mean it isn’t being done.

So before you freak out about one of the topics above and eat an entire red velvet cake while standing at your kitchen counter (no judgement).

Before you decide that you should do away wholesale with your hedge funds, private equity funds, venture capital allocation, financial planner, mutual funds or your dating life.

Take a step back.

Breathe.

Sign off of Match.com because, honestly, any site that thinks the best reason for going on a date with someone is that neither of you smokes needs help with their dating algorithm.

And understand that you’re likely looking only at what you know, which may not help you as much as you’d like.

Sources: HFR, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/11/andreesen-women_n_7046740.html, Seward and Kissel, http://fortune.com/2016/08/04/hpe-private-equity-apollo-global-management/